Destination: Hell

And after that, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, his “turds”, you could call them, started living amongst each other in the toilet bowl, living off of what they had, making a sustainable community only off of what they had, living in harmony and enjoying themselves the best way shit can. Then, all of a sudden, “BoB” started taking a leak, and as soon as he took that leak, life for these turds went to the wayside. They started fighting, cussing and molesting each other, trying to get a hold of this “firewater” (which was actually just piss and toilet water mixed together, go figure) and started doing whatever necessary to obtain it.

“BoB”, after wiping, noticed that once he covered the turds and piss with his toilet paper, the problem seemed to go away… or so he thought. Turns out, eventually, the turds and piss eventually soak through until their visible to whoever is willing to pay attention. At first, he thought if he just ignored it, ie: didn’t pay any attention, there wouldn’t be a hassle because, after all, nobody was looking and the shit seemed fine fighting over the piss in the privacy of their own world, but that was not the case. After he left it for a while, and went back to look at the problem, he noticed that the shit just started to stink a stank worse than anything that has stunk before. The problem was so bad, that now “BoB” was forced to make a decision.

At this point, the problem was so large he could not just simply flush it. He had to somehow get rid of the stench of rotted shit and piss without destroying his plumbing, but he also had to get it away from his house so it wouldn’t continue to stink up his house on a regular basis, so he enlisted in the help of a plumber. The plumber came in, and after careful deliberation, he decided it would be best to give the collective shiss (shitty piss) its own place, away from collective civilization where it could continue to “flourish” (however it manages to do that) on its own without any human interaction, but also with the possibility of coming back every so often to further its own growth before being sent back to its own place (we’ll call it… the dump).

Now, this is where EVERYTHING got all fucked up and complicated. You see, after receiving its own place to call its own, the shitty piss wanted more; it started getting greedy. The shitty piss demanded more land to spread out on, better septic treatment, more help to further advance its technology, and until it got what it wanted, it was DAMN sure to make life a living stinkpit for those who wanted no part in their way of life.

“BoB” (remember him?) saw this from a very confusing angle. From the time he dueced that first duece, to the time he called the Plumber to help him out, he saw no change whatsoever. For all that time spent in the toilet bowl, the only major change he noticed was that once they had their piss, life for the shit was all but ended. He noticed it went hand in hand, shit and piss, and neither could live without the other, and as times changed and society advanced, they never seemed to progress with the rest.

It made “BoB” wonder, “how is it that after all this time, something cannot change, and when it wants to change, its not willing to give up what it had in return for the life it always wanted?”

To “BoB”, this made no sense. “BoB” couldn’t get more land unless he paid for it. “BoB” couldn’t get the plumbers help without going through all the red tape first. Had “BoB” asked for his own land away from society, he would be turned away because he doesn’t fit the criteria of “shit” or “piss”, so in “BoBs” eyes, what in the sam hell was it that this shit had that made it so powerful, so angry, so influential that the plumbers wouldn’t hesitate to drop their important meetings to negotiate a deal?

Then it hit “Bob”.

Strength in numbers.

After all this time sitting and thinking, pondering the ponderous questions worth a ponder, “BoB” finally saw what it was that made them such a powerful group, and it was all strength in numbers.

You see, shit piles. Shit piles high. We all remember the Simpsons where Bart crashes Hitlers car and Homer and himself had to go work at the carnival, and Bart starts out shovelling the mini ponies shit. Just so happens that “BoB” was watching that exact same episode as he was thinking of how shit could end up being such a powerful figure in life. When the shit piles, the plumbers have no choice but to stop everything and remove the shit by whatever means necessary, and when they say “whatever means necessary”, they mean the pussiest, gayest way possible, and by pussiest, gayest way possible, they mean at the expense of others.

You may ask yourself, “well, how can the plumbers just go and give the shit all the piss and septic tanks they want? How do they pay for it?” and right there is the kicker; its at our expense. Nobody wants to deal with the shitty piss head on, after all, who wants to get all shitty, so they’re willing to go out and pay the plumbers to do what is necessary to “get rid of it”, in such politically incorrect words.

Of course, the plumbers’ actions never seem to appease the public eye, but its not the public that has the strength in numbers; its the shits. People are willing to sit back, bitch and complain and never do a “BoB”damn thing about these atrocious crimes against humanity and just let the shit take over.

So “BoB” asks, whats it going to take YOU to stand up and fight for what you believe in? Whats it going to take for you to stop these social injustices? How long can you just sit there doing absolutely nothing? Where the FUCK is your “strength in numbers?”

Just remember that the next time shit gets splattered onto your walls and you can’t clean it up.

(Oh yeah, Happy 50th Post! Thank you loyal readers, for without you I wouldn’t bother writing at all, and to you haters, all I have to say to you is, Wassup?)

For the vast majority of Sunday and Monday, I sat there, dwelling upon how much I absolutely fucking despise almost every fucking asshole who showed up to my house on Saturday, willing to drink and make a complete fucking mess of my newly renovated house but didn’t have the fucking respect to tell me what they fucking saw when shit went sour. Yeah, I was fucking pinned, by now I don’t think its that fucking big of a revelation that a) I get drunker than ANY of you, and b) I party harder in 20 minutes than any of you fucking pigs have in your entire lives combined. I sat there for so long, unable to believe that people could be such pigs, such cowards, suck disrespectful pieces of cowshit, then, I had an epiphany.

Where the fuck has ANY of your respect EVER been? As I can’t name names, those of you who stayed to help clean up and tidy shit up, you know who you are, and thats why I call you some of my best friends, but to EVERYONE ELSE: Where in the fuck is your dignity, respect, morals, and most importantly, your balls?

Let me ask ANY of you who have ever had me over to party, or partied with me: how many cigarettes and/or beers have I given you? Now, how many cigarettes and/or beers have I ever asked in return for my graceful favour? By now, people should know that its hard for me to swallow my pride and ask for a cigarette, and I’d never ask anyone for a beer unless I was completely pinned or offered beforehand. Its hard for me to take from people, because I’m VERY charitable in nature, as shown by going behind my moms back to have a party when the initial partying plans went south, opening up my house to people I didn’t know, assholes I will never know, all in the good nature of PARTYING and HAVING A GOOD FUCKING TIME.

Now let me ask the hosts of a party over the past two years, and those who clean up parties: who is the one person who consistently grabs the garbage can/bag, dumps out empties, sorts garbage and bottles/cans and cleans shit up? ……….. whats that? The only person with enough respect for the people who once again take upon the shitty task of hosting a party? Me? Bam, there you fucking go. You know why I grab the garbage can and pour out empties? Its not because I want to, hell no, its because I HAVE to.

When you go to someones house, you have a fucking moral obligation to show respect and do what you can to hide any and all evidence of a party, especially considering the fact that 95 percent of us still live at home and 98 percent of us don’t have parents cool enough to give the OK for a party, and frankly, I don’t see any fucking reason at all why anyones parents would let their kids host a party in this fucking town. Almost every single one of you cocksuckers let me down on Saturday. I thank everyone for pushing those fucking crackheads out of my house, I really do appreciate that, but thats fucking nothing, NOTHING compared to the shit I’ve done to help some of you when shits begun to fuck up. You all run from the fucking cops, I run to the cops, ready and willing to cooperate and bullshit our way out of trouble.

All that bullshit aside, I want to touch upon the real reason why I’m fucking pissed off. I have two fucking holes in my walls. My mother spent almost two fucking grand on getting the entire house painted, and now in the hallway I’ve got a giant fucking hole in the wall, then in my laundry room there are three hit marks right in front of the washing machine. I’ve got three fucking stories to explain two holes, and every single one of you is dicking me around like a fucking asshole. Newsflash: I’m smarter than ALL of you. Don’t believe me? Guess what? I’m not a woman. I’m not a fucking stupid drunk macho asshole. I have friends that would go to the end of the earth to retrieve the son of a bitch (or just bitch period, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) that fucked up my walls. Why? I’ve practiced the lost art of “respect” for the vast majority of my life. I was raised right. Right, white and out of fucking sight.

SOMEONE SAW SOMETHING AND IS HOLDING OUT FOR FEAR OF RETRIBUTION. I give you my “BoB” honest word that if you tell me what happened and who fucking did what, you have my protection from all payback from guilty parties. Almost two thousand dollars painting my house. Almost three thousand dollars putting in new floors. The walls were supposed to be touched-up on Sunday, but instead now a giant fucking section of wall has to be cut out and replaced because the size of the hole is fucking retarded and can’t be molded over. Thank fucking “BoB” that the laundry room just needs to be patched over, but, once again, NEWSFLASH: I’M NOT FUCKING PAYING FOR IT, AND NEITHER IS MY MOM.

OWN UP FOR YOUR FUCKING MISTAKES. I’m not going to hold it against you. Remember the quote, “we do dumb shit when we’re fucked up?” Thats how I’m looking at it. This is why the fucking title of this post is “I have no one to blame but myself.” I shouldn’t have had a party, I shouldn’t have had that many people over, and frankly I shouldn’t have had that many stupid fucking women (you seem to be the ones being blamed) over. “Once a slut always a slut” – Jesus. No, you know, actually, I shouldn’t have had people over period. I let my mom down, again, and for that I’m now paying the ultimate price. I’ve lost all of her trust. I’m almost two decades old and when my mom leaves town, I have to spend that time in Calgary at my dads because I’m not to be trusted, at least according to her. I fully accept all responsibility for what happened, at least to her, but someones going to accept responsibility for their fucking actions at my house on Saturday. Don’t forget: I’m still one of the most respected fucking individuals in our shithole town, because I’m a nice guy, but even puppies bite, and this puppy happens to be a rabid fucking shark/pitbull/shotgun hybrid who’s on the fucking warpath. I’m now taking the initiative to go six months sober and get my life on track, regain that trust from my mom and get back on the straight and narrow path to enlightenment and a million dollars, but just because I’m trying to better myself doesn’t mean I’ll ruin your shit for shits and giggles.

I’m letting all of my fucking readers who were at my party on Saturday: come forward with information. I’ve talked to the cops about the crackhead hockey stick lady, and that shit will come to light as soon as the officer on the scene is back at work. I have my ways of getting information, and NONE of you want me to start taking a vigilante stance on this, because I don’t give a fuck. I’m fucking stupid, and hate is my fucking business. By the time your out of your coma for being a stubborn fuck, I’ll be coming out of hiding or jail, and I’ll split your fucking head open again for treating me like an asshole, when all I’ve ever done is shown respect to those whom I once considered friends.

Until I get some fucking information, its fucking friends off now.

(Gotta love Joe Pesci.)

I’ve kinda run out of ideas to bitch about because as I see it, I haven’t seen anything thats really pissed me off in the past little while that can single-handedly warrant a fatty rant, but there are a lot of tinier things that do deserve mention because, well, they’re pissing me right the fuck off and someones gotta say something, and if it isn’t me, then it won’t be you because you don’t pay for website hosting. Fucking TRESemme shampoo, I need dandruff control, although snowstorms inside can be cool, kinda, uh… if you’re like six. Fuck it.

Facebook applications

more so the fucking people who use them. I don’t understand how fucking retarded a person can be to look at “Publish” or “Skip” and think, “well gee, they put the publish button up there because everyone cares so much about who follows me on facebook or that my stripper name would be fat-tits mchairyballs and I have a duty to let everyone know that”. No. Its a funny little thing to take some time out of your day, then when its done you either exit facebook, preventing it from showing up or click SKIP, preventing it from showing up. Ouch, crazy revelation! I use three, yes, THREE applications on a regular basis, because they are just that awesome: Is Abe Vigoda Alive? (which at the moment doesn’t seem to be working, which is complete bullshit), Is the Sun Burning? (who knows when you’ll need to get a suntan, eh?) and some New York Yankees fan app which I play trivia when I’m bored, besides that, facebook is ONLY for hating on people and conversing with people whom I may need in order to find something to do. Done and done.

Indian University of Canada

Oh noes! They are is uh gunna close down the uh edumacation store for indians in Canada er uh cut 12.5 million dollars in funding for something that has no fucking purpose or right to be around in the first place. WOW! WHAT A SHOCK! SOMEONE WAS SPENDING MONEY ON GENERAL OPERATIONS IN ORDER TO KEEP TEACHERS FOR THESE UNEDUCATED NITCHIES AND OH NO! THEY RAN OUT OF MONEY SO THE ONE INDIAN OUT OF FOURTEEN THOUSAND CAN GET A POST-SECONDARY EDUCATION! WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE! WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE PROPER ENROLLMENT NUMBERS, PROPER STUDENTS AND OPERATING COSTS TO MANAGE, YOU SPEND MONEY! MONEY MONEY MONEY! HOLY FUCK! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS TO THE FUCKING RESCUE!

Sorry. Anyways, Who gives a flying fuck? I just read that the indians are going to have a “live-in protest” to protest the freezing of the 12.5 million. Typical indians, always gotta get something for nothing. “Instead of a hunger strike/picketing/doing something productive, lets just huff gas and sing ‘songs’ in our rooms to show those white bastards who’s boss!” “YEAH YEAH! ALRIGHT! YEAH! YOU SHOULD BE PRESIDENT! YEAH!!” What a fucking joke. Do people seriously thing universities can live off of grants and funding alone? Why the fuck do you think we white people get gouged in the anus, up through the intestine and right out the lung through the nipple in tuition? Is it because they’re jews? Possibly. Is it because everyone enjoys a kickback? Maybe. Is it because education isn’t free and in order to get the best of anything, you’ve got to be willing to pay a price that can be understandable to outrageous because knowledge ain’t cheap and neither is labour? More than likely. If you wanted cheap education, get your fucking high school diploma, which is more than I can say for every indian I’ve ever known. Let me count the indians I know. One is in jail, another one is a skid dropout, another one is a dirtier skid dropout who moved out on the reserve, and, uh… thats it. I don’t see any education in “dropout” or “jail” so there you go. If this was 1845, I swear I’d be the most world-renowned scientist in the world, but because everyone listens to this pussy-footed “politically correct/enlightening, everyone-is-equal” bullshit, I’m a crazy psycho. I think these parasites forget whose money they’re wasting. In the bullshit sense, its “their” money, but until we hand it over its our money, and when we see this money being inappropriately spent and wasted, we have every right in the world to step in until they get their shit together, and after all of this, RIGHT NOW IS THE FUCKING TIME TO STEP IN AND NEVER GIVE THEM ANOTHER GODDAMN CENT AS LONG AS EVERY REDSKINNED PIECE OF SHIT IS IN OUR COUNTRY. Enough is enough. We’ve seen them squander everything they’ve ever had since the early days of whiskey in our country, given them everything they’ve ever wanted, and when something goes wrong its our fault, and why is it our fault? Because our forefathers were stupid enough to give them the free money which lead to smallpox/road blockages/frozen children out on a lake. Until we stop giving these cocksuckers money, this shit is only going to continue. Give a cripple a crutch and he’ll thank you forever; give an indian a dollar and he’ll be back tomorrow saying he lost it. Sad fact of life. Sad in a sense that there are plenty of cripples out there who can’t afford crutches yet there’s plenty of indians who shouldn’t be alive yet they get free crutches to play fetch with their indian dogs.

Hahaha, I knew it would come to this. Bitch about facebook, then turn to a real piss-off problem in our country and I almost have to change the title of the article. I read the other day that there’s a new Hate Crime law in our country, if you do something like write “die jews” or “no blacks” on something of importance, there will be an automatic Canada-wide warrant out for your arrest (read the Calgary Sun from friday and saturday). It wouldn’t surprise me if this blog is monitored by like the Anti-Defemenation League (AKA The League of Extraordinary Noses) and the Fatholic League and all those other douchebag groups, but hey, fuck them if they can’t take a joke. The only people who give a fuck about racism are the people who are embarrassed by the stereotypes of their race. I could care less if Irishmen love potatoes, or if the Dutch wear wooden shoes, or if whites like to work and make money and drive cars. I love potatoes, I love shoes, and I love money.

Anyways, I guess thats just a little piece of my mind for today. Take it or leave it. Just remember, when you see any bitching about funding for indians, just remember the last time you saw an indian at school.

Point and case.

All those bullshit Budweiser rules you see rocking on television with those faggy guys in faggy shirts outfagging the fags in suits, forget them right now. Real life doesn’t work like that. If you saw a bunch of fags in suits acting all super gay at the bar, it wouldn’t be a “send those guys my balls in a fruity drink”, it would be more like *BAM* decapitated lying in a puddle of their own blood. There is a reason why there are gay bars: to keep the gays out of the straight bars. If life was like those commercials, Hitler Round 2 would be imminent. Nobody wants to see faggy guys grinding on dudes at a normal bar, nobody wants to see faggy people period, which is why they should all move underground and be like Crab People or Mole People or those people in Demolition Man who rob taco bells. It wouldn’t be segregation, they’d be living in the same areas as all of us, just a mile or two underground, and as soon as a city falls to their shitty foundations, we NUKE the fags. Problem solved.

Anyways, the point I’m trying to get at is these beer commercials are always for such shitty beers that really do suck a lot of dick. “Lets market our beers towards people who don’t drink beer, they can’t tell the difference between a great beer and mexican piss!” I hear that every time I watch a shitty beer commercial, and you think I’m ever going to go buy a six pack of Coors Light or Bud Light Lime? Fuuuuuuuuuuck that noise, throw that bullshit straight out of the window. The only thing worse than a Bud Light commercial is a fucking Boxer beer commercial with those brown bastards peddling their bullshit paki water to the world making a killing because its so cheap and apparently everyone in our country is jewish too.

Sometimes I just get on a roll and begin to get pissed off. So, today I’m here to debunk the most common beer myths out there, providing you all with a completely unbiased opinion about beer and why I drink the beers I do.

Myth: Light beer is good
Truth: Light beer is faggy as fuck

Yes, I can live with social drinkers who have a few drinks just to pass the time while they’re talking to people, aka socializing, but why the fuck would anyone want to drink a light beer? Its like drinking river water downstream from cattle. Firstly, beer is not that attractive of a taste to begin with, so why would you want it watered-down for a shittier, “lighter” taste? Its beyond me. Secondly, 3.9 percent alcohol content is just a fucking waste. Why wouldn’t you just go for the straight 5 percent six-pack and casually drink those instead of wasting your time (and money) on some mexican piss water? Which brings me to the next point:

Myth: Corona is cool
Truth: Corona is for faggots

Corona is probably the worst light beer in the world. Two May Longs ago I was getting drunk getting pinned and drinking free Corona. There were 48 of those shithole beers and I drank about 32 of them in roughly 5 to 6 hours. Was I drunk? Not really. Was I pinned? Far from it. Was I having a good time? Real beer would have made it better. Did I puke? No, but the hangover was disgusting. Sure, I could slam them back like nobodies business, but thats not the point. When you’re getting drunk and getting pinned, that is your goal: Get Drunk, Get Pinned. It isn’t “drink as much as you can to be sober”. You don’t drink to get sober, thats just common fucking sense, so why on earth would so many people continue to buy such shitty beer and claim they were “so wasted off of like 10 coronas” when obviously its bullshit? And don’t give me that “its a good summer drink” bullshit. Beer is a good summer drink period, it doesn’t matter what you’re drinking (somewhat). If you’ve got a beer in your hand on a hot summer day, you know you’re living life and enjoying the fuck out of it (unless you’re drinking a corona). For twelve of those shitty beers, I could get twelve Pilsners and be twice as pinned and have twice as much fun because I wouldn’t be the loser of the party drinking shitty mexican pisswater beer. Another thing: mexico doesn’t even have water suitable for human consumption. Why on earth would you want to drink a beer that comes from a poor country that can’t even drink their tap water without boiling the shit out of it or having it exported from the United States? My point exactly. Corona is a queer mans beer, and if you’re queer, stay at home.

Myth: Because Budd Light is cool, Bud Light is cool
Truth: Budd Light is the gayest beer mascot. Ever.

Whats so cool about Budd Light? Is it the fact that he looks like Stephen Baldwin? The fact that he’s a middle-aged Stephen Baldwin stunt-double in spandex? Or is it the fact that he’s so tough he can beat up a plastic squid? I don’t know fellas, but I think its the fact that everyones an impressionable idiot who are drawn to shitty characters such as himself. What makes a Bud Light? I don’t know, because I’m not a pussy and I don’t drink that shit. Why would I, after a character such as himself went out there and ruined a potentially great tasting beer? Look at Coors Light. 1) Light. 2) Coors. 3) Terrible commercials. 4) Shitty, watery taste. From those four aspects, I have come to the conclusion that I never want to drink one. Ever. I was forced to drink some when I went to my first Stamps game (whupped Winnipegs ass). Coors or Canadian, the only two fucking choices, so naturally I take the one that doesn’t taste like complete garbage (Coors). Yes, I know I just said its garbage, but when you have to choose between garbage and trash, sometimes you go with what stinks less.

Myth: Because its cheap, its a shitty beer
Truth: Old Milwaukee is better than any of the “Big Four”

My stepdad drank Old Milwaukee for twenty years. I’ve been drinking it for almost three, and I can now see why it was his beer of choice. A nice, crisp taste that goes down smooth but doesn’t compromise the flavour or alcoholic percentage and one of the greatest deals ever. Fifteen beers for twenty bucks? Fifteen good beers for twenty bucks? Yeah, you can get a fifteen pack of Lucky for like seventeen but by no means is Lucky a good beer. Lucky is terrible and everyones a kike (except for Rachie, the one person who actually drinks it for the taste, which is fine by me.) I drink Old Milwaukee for the taste as well, and you know, some people drink their beers of choice for the taste, but thats not going to stop me from telling you how shitty Kokanee is in comparison to Old Mil. The only cheap beers I will drink are as follows: Old Milwaukee (the best), Pabst Blue Ribbon (its a scenester beer but its got a good kick), Brewhouse (when theres no more beer to drink), Carling (random liquor store purchase one night, its not too bad) and Olympia (Clint Eastwood drank that back in the “Any Which Way But Loose” and “Any Which Way You Can” days before all this homo PBR talk, and although its now a terrible beer, if its good enough for Clint Eastwood, its good enough for me). Oh yeah, Old Milwaukee is also the greatest shotgunning beer ever.

Myth: Pilsner is for hicks and tasteless losers
Truth: Pilsner is the greatest beer known to man

Between December 16th and January 1st, I drank no less than two hundred thirty Pilsners. Almost a twelve pack a day, plus countless at the bars, plus a two-four night at Arns, thirty six on New Years, Christmas Day drinking, I know I’m probably off by a lot, but I know for damn sure if I am, its an underestimation. Some would say its overkill, who wants to drink that much of the same beer, let alone that much beer period, then I say, “when you’re an alcoholic, its always more beer, never less.” My love for Pilsner started at the Willy, 3 dollar Pilsner for happy hour, then 4.25 after 7:30 (fuck you assholes, it says 8:00 on the tv). Then, after making it my bar of choice, Pilsner just seemed to be the logical explanation instead of your typical gay beers (and there is no way I’m drinking bottles of Lucky or cans of Rainier, ugh). I’ve never been able to drink so much of the same beer before until I started drinking Pilsner, and it has way more to do than its awesome price. Its that nice taste, but even moreso, the aftertaste. It doesn’t leave me spitting up the shitty remains of the beer, which probably factors in most when I pick a new beer to drink. Also, I’ve been drinking pilsners for a while, as my favourite Original Joes beer is Powderhound, and goddamn is that a smooth beer. The first beer I could just receive at the bar and chug the whole thing start to finish. Man I fucking love beer.

Myth: Chugging a beer is sweet
Truth: Yeah, but why use a cup when you can shotgun a fucking beer?

Shotgunning a beer is the right of passage from boyhood to beerdrinker. Anyone can chug anything, but shotgunning is an art all in itself. You have to know the right beers for shotgunning, the right size for your hole, how to tip your beer so you don’t spray yourself in the face, and most importantly, how to shotgun the beer as fast as possible. Now, you’re all in luck, because I’m going to teach you all the art of shotgunning from all my years in the game, and some other alternative methods I’ve picked up that are also proven methods as well.

Beer: As stated above, I love shotgunning Old Mil because it doesn’t have that cheap, fruity aftertaste like so many beers of its price, not to mention its smooth and I hardly ever get that chest burn after a nice gun. Pilsner has also been decent, but I drink it out of the bottle 97 percent of the time. Pabst has a strong aftertaste and kick to it, so if you’re still a pussy, don’t try it. Then again, use your beer of choice and you might have better results altogether.

Hole: This one is usually up to debate. I personally like a nice decent sized hole that isn’t so big its like you’re taking a horse cock to the mouth. With me, its all limiting the amount of beer that falls on the ground, because more = less beer. Then theres the “Hindu Method”. Not a literal hindu, its a friend of a friends nickname, and he taught me a fairly effective way to gun. Cut a hole you can get your thumb over without spillage, shake the beer and open it. There’s no foam at the top, and the carbonation pushes it right out of the hole.

Poking the hole: Tilt the beer upside down and poke it right at the very bottom (which is now the top) with a tiny hole to open it. Common sense you fucking idiots

Guzzling back that fucking beer: Its all technique. Some say open your throat, but I’m not a woman, so I inhale that shit like a drowning victim (think Kevin Heffernan drowning in the vat of beer in “Beerfest”). It takes no more than 6 giant gulps to complete a shotgun for me, most likely because I don’t spill and I don’t suck at drinking beer. Easiest goddamn thing in the world

Throw your can down or show your opponent that you wasted less beer than they did: wsssht done.

I got to use a cheetah bong last night, aka a cheetah with a beerbong attached to it. Top 5 moments of my life. I also had a hand (no pun intended) in breaking someones thumb with a Stone Cold Stunner. I also Stone Cold Stunnered someone dressed up like Chuck Liddell and took his UFC belt, which I gave to the cheetah bong for being the real champion of life. I’m a very nice guy.

Its pretty damn awesome. We’re a very multicultural little town of twenty-thousand people here in southern Alberta. We are an equal-opportunity, affirmative-action believing liberal town, ahead of the curve in so many ways, willing to look past skin colour, IQ, religious and social beliefs, because we believe that everyone has the right to live, the right to individual freedom, and the right to breathe. I look out my window, and I’m one of only a handful of white people in my town, or so it seems.

Four out of ten people in my town are white-as-fuck honkeys trying to be black, two more out of that ten are scenesters, one more is a cowboy-wannabe, two more are dirty skids, and the last one is a respectable dressing member of society. Some friends and I went and saw the Olympic torch run through our town (sweet, yet very anti-climatic) and as the exodus of children from the sidewalk going back to the high school began, I thought someone slipped me some acid in my water: everyone was dressed exactly the same. Baggy hoodies, jeans around their knees, backwards new-era hats with the fucking sticker still on, ugly fresh shoes, and that stupid goddamn gorilla walk. I was confused for a second; I thought I was watching a torch run, not a fucking gay pride parade.

(Update)
Yeah, this has been a late post, but this just so happens to coincide with the end of the Olympics, and I’m gonna make a comment on that shit too. What in the fuck were most of our athletes wearing? Why in the fuck was every single spandex suit sporting eighteen million shitty colours? Did an elephant design the fucking colour-schemes, or did you just hand the paint over to a goddamn blind paki? Why not just go down the ski-hill in a burqa, or better yet, on fire? And what the hell figure skating? Wasn’t that supposed to be the “sport” (dancing isn’t a sport; its dancing) where you always saw the tight-ass hot bitches? You know its a sad day when the curlers are the hot ones (GodDAMN, that one bitch from Great Britain, oh yeah). I would make a comment on that Joannie (stupidest name ever, but duh, shes french) whatever but yes, I do have a tiny bit of decency, so I’ll just send my condolences, thank her for the medal, and offer her my phone number. Another thing, the Canadian jerseys looked stupid. What was wrong with the old ones? They were old? You’re too fucking old, Gretzky. Yeah, score a million goals but lead your team into bankruptcy. Zing! Ouch, burn. Yeah, I said it.

Y’know, for a while there I thought it was only the fucking indians that bit the steez of every single fucking cultural group because they obviously lost touch with their “identity”: that being the one of feathers and pelts and mocassins. First it was exactly that: all that shit I just mentioned. Then the indians all wanted to be cowboys, so they started trying to dress like cowboys. The 80s, more specifically AC/DC rolled around and they started dressing like dirty bastards and neglecting hygiene even more than they used to, then gangsta rap became popular and now the goddamn nitchies wanna dress and act like the coons. Newsflash: the only thing you indians and blacks have in common is you’re all fucked in the head.

Yeah, I know skateboarding culture has taken over, but if you don’t skateboard, don’t act like you do. “Yeah check out my lime-blue Muskas, they’re so sick!” Muska hasn’t had a good shoe since like the 503, and that was the last time I even paid any attention to Chad Muska. Lime-blue isn’t even a fucking colour either, and it should remain that way. Bright any colour shoes are fucking stupid. Even just single colour shoes are stupid. I’ve always hated those goddamn Reynolds 1s and 2s, ESPECIALLY the fucking all-red ones, but they were good shoes, I’ll give him that much. There’s a reason why Walmart sells shoes, its so every asshole that doesn’t skateboard can be identified by the giant A for A-Giant-Waste-Of-Money or W for What-A-Fucking-Loser on the heel of their shoes. Seriously people go fuck yourself.

Its sad though because whites are now taking that exact same step in the direction of retardation. How the fuck can you identify with the ghetto? How the fuck can you look at yourself in the morning dressed the way you are and think, “I look baaaaadaaaasssssss”? I myself do enjoy hip hop culture, but I’m not going to start shopping at Mr Big & Tall and looking like a shrunken giant because everyone else does it, which brings me to my Public Service Announcement.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Grandmothers and inanimate objects, I’m here today to teach you about a growing epidemic that does not seem to have an end. Millions of people daily are subjected to horrifying images of people in pants two sizes too small, greasy jelled up hair like a Super Saiyan, flashy bright coloured shirts with dolphins and shitty t-shirt slogans once only seen on redneck bumper stickers, fat chicks in spandex and sports bras, and the unthinkable indian on the sidewalk. I’m talking about hipsters, also known as scenesters. These plagues on humanity have been subjecting poor, innocent people such as ourselves with their blatantly flamboyant personalities and unfortunately, according to the Charter of “Rights” and “Freedoms”, everyone is entitled to be an individual. Granted, I believe in that, but I draw the line at fat chicks and spandex. Rise people, RISE! Its time to stand up against these idiot, retarded looking morons and show them that flourescent pink was meant in concept only! Show them that the 80s are banished from the world! Show them the blunt end of your axe! Stand up and set in motion the wheels for “Head-Smashed-In-Fat Chick Jump.”

This has been a desperate plea from your fearless leader, Jesus Quintero Alvarez McRodriguez (Scots on vacation)

In this day and age of homelessness, jewery and con artists galore, you would think that there would be a more tasteful outlook on bullshit commercials on tv for shit that either a) doesn’t fucking work, or b) has no beneficial outcome for potential “users” of the product. I can’t go one goddamn commercial when I’m watching King of the Hill without being told to “text 65555 for this cute bunny singing” or “try Proactive with a 30 day risk-free trial” or “enlarge your cock! Enzyte works!” Firstly, its not a fucking rabbit singing, its some cunt with autotune connected to her asshole farting. Secondly, proactive works as well as niggers, and thirdly, I have no need for cock enlargement.

I just can’t believe that bullshit, hardly legitimate companies like Jamster can continue to operate their “companies” by exploiting the retardation of the general public. Its bad enough our countries are becoming obese, now they’re going to be rocking shitty coon ringtones or showing off their “x-ray” phone. Yeah, I’m sooo fucking sure your phone has a real x-ray, you in all your inbred glory is just the right person to have sensitive technology in the palm of your hand. Hey, why not check and see what’s in your cock or uterus? One can only hope its real then so we can combat incest and eliminate the retard gene. To me though, its not even that, its the fact that its such a huge scam that people can’t get out of. A buddy and I went out one night, got a bunch of cheap Budweiser at the bar and got these entry tickets to win a trip to the Superbowl, all we had to do was text a number and we would be entered, and to stop it just text stop. Needless to say, after texting three different codes each, and texting stop after all the spam texts, my buddy got no less than 30 replies back. Every minute for 20 minutes he got four texts, and he kept texting stop. That’s how a company like that works. It sends you texts with retarded shit you don’t want and can’t stop until your cellphone bill is 400 bucks and you’re effectively fucked with a bad credit rating. At least when you order Girls Gone Wild on dvd, you have the legitimate option of cancelling any time, partially because the owner of that company is a child molester under investigation from the federal government. And that’s not even the worst of it. These fucking assholes at Jamster promote their “services” on networks like Teletoon and YTV. Oh great, if its not bad enough that impressionable scenester cunts who have to have the latest in homo-erotic ringtones need to have this shit, now children with cellphones can text this shit, effectively fucking with their parents credit rating and spawning another era of mongoloid behaviour! Excuse me while I punch myself in the balls so I never have children.

Now this brings me to another product which is a tried, tested and true piece of bullshit in a 40 dollar kit. I used Proactive to combat my horrible acne for over a year, only to be duped by its ultimate scam. “Oh hey, Jessica “Slut Woman” Simpson uses it, she’s rich, well fuckin eh it should work!” Wrong. It took a while for me to figure it out, but I eventually caught on and stopped being a stupid impressionable asshole and uncovered one of the oldest, obvious (but forgotten) facts of the sexes: yeah, no wonder you look so fucking good, you’ve only got four fucking pounds of coverup on. Proactive doesn’t work, but your fucking caked-on face gives the impression it does. And to the women who read my blog: shut the fuck up and quit lying, you all know what I’m saying is true. Take a look at the fuckers in the commercials. There’s that one HIDEOUS pimply ass italian looking grease bitch, her before picture looks like the inside of a toilet after a Texas Mickey Friday, then in her after picture, her face is so fucking caked with makeup, she goes from being tanned grease wop to her face absorbing the flash. Its almost like taking a picture of yourself in a mirror at night time. Then there’s the one fucking dude on the commercial, hyping it up to be the next big wonder of the world, when its obvious he’s a fucking homo who, yes, also wears makeup. You can spot that shit a mile away. Look at the almost-perfect colour of his lips, no imperfections at all. Yeah, I pluck my eyebrows because I don’t want to look haggard as fuck, but that doesn’t change the fact that I always do a haggard job which just cancels out any gayness, while that fruithole obviously spent an hour in makeup making sure everything was perfect, and that haircut, holy fuck, what self-respecting man spends that much time and effort on maintaining such a homo-erotic haircut? I’ll tell you who: a faggot who wears makeup, and a lot of it. It just pisses me off that impressionable cunts always fall for such bullshit. But hey, at least its not my money they’re spending.

Finally, I am sick and fucking tired of watching television and all of a sudden, BAM! A commercial for enzyte comes on, talking about how “Bob is a chubby santa”. What in the fuck is that kind of shit? Firstly, “BoB” is the prophet of my religion, and although his cockhead probably rests in Atlanta while he’s in Africa, it doesn’t change the fact that they’re using his likeness to promote a fucking product that DOES NOT WORK. The fucking “owner” of enzyte and his 80 year old mother or whatever are in jail or were forced to pay hefty fines for their shit. Its hardly a company anymore, so WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOWING THE COMMERCIALS, SPIKE TV?! Nobody gives a flying fuck about that shit, and if you’re so goddamn ashamed that your dick is too minuscule for your life, then end it. Cut the fucking thing off. Cut your fucking head off. Its idiots like that who ruin the world, put the power in the hands of assholes and suck dick behind the dumpster of a sleazy motel. Who invited these people to live on my planet?

Where the fuck is the government for shit like this? Yeah, people do have the right to whatever blah blah blah, but aren’t there laws against being a fucking con artist? I spent christmas in edmonton (Garlic Gulch for all you non-dukafornians out there) and that place is SWARMING with con artists trying to panhandle and all that shit. Some fucking whiny bitch faggot comes up to me and my mom and asks my mom for change so he, and I quote, “can get some food at mcdonalds.” Not, “I need to get home for the holidays”, but “can you spare some change so I can get food at mcdonalds?” My mom told him no, and then he asks, “how about you, sir?” and I looked at him square in the eyes and told him to fuck off. The man was dressed nicer than any fucking homeless asshole I’ve ever seen, a nice jacket, new boots, dress pants, and you want me to spare my money so you can get food? I hope you starve and die from hypothermia you cocksucker. Fuck I hate homeless people. Why aren’t there organizations that catch homeless people? Put them in an animal-like shelter, caged up, give them three meals of rations a day, and if they aren’t claimed in thirty days we kill them and sell the meat to africa. Wow, I just solved homelessness in forty fucking seconds of brain power. Jesus christ.

Lately, I’ve been finding myself starting off a lot of sentences with those words. I don’t understand why, but it seems that those words are an accurate depiction of a man who can’t fucking comprehend the level of stupidity thrown into his face. Usually I can answer these questions with the usual, “humanity is dumb” but sometimes an outside opinion is needed. So please, if you can, help a brother out by providing insight or the connection to something I may have missed.

I don’t understand the sense of entitlement some people have. I can think of a list of people right now who think they’re entitled to the world just because they’ve done something nobody gives a shit about (becoming a vegetarian, voting, getting a college degree right out of high school.) Shouldn’t one have to do something extraordinarily amazing, like feed the homeless, volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, or set a homeless guy on fire outside on a couch, before they should get world-renowned praise? Isn’t there a list of prerequisites out there for people who want to become loved by all? This has made me thought of a brilliant challenge, stay tuned for more.

I don’t understand why Canada & the U.S of A are two of the only countries in the world where you can just show up on a fucking cardboard boat, take a test, and become a citizen of the respective (ha) country. In Mexico, no foreign national can own oceanfront property. In most European countries, you have to prove your parents were born in that country to get dual-citizenship. In Canada, I heard that a fuckin paki can move here, and within five years be eligible for a pension. Bwaaahhh my fucking head hurts already.

I don’t understand how fucking sick some people could be. Look at this picture <a href=http://img34.imageshack.us/img34/3111/destinationhell.png></a> and tell me that isn’t just the most fucked up thing you’ve ever seen. That is a pie-chart of what people search to get here. As far as round 2 goes, according to Klev, these were the top searches, in order: women are useless, ugly pussy and ass, beards, my asshole hurts when i go poop, cocksucker awards, papelboner pussy mouth, horse dildo, cock sucker, Jeff Foxworthy watching baseball, ball and cocksucker men, ugly pussy, horse dildo fuck, destination hell bob, fuck superstition, asshole hurts when pooping, congratulations you’re a cock sucker, spic ass and fuck small baby. Go ahead, I’ll give you more time to read over what you just read, just so you can be sure what you read was real. Some people call me sick for promoting hate, misogyny, racial tension, etc. etc. but at least I’m not the one searching up horse dildo or Jeff Foxworthy watching baseball. Really, how on fucking earth could someone search “asshole hurts when pooping?” I’m at a loss here… fuck this question.

I don’t understand how fucking lazy people can be. What is so goddamn hard about spelling a word properly? You go through 13 years of school, getting taught the basic principles of grammar, and yet people still insist upon using bullshit like “lol” or spelling words retardedly like “discusting” or “terribley” or “yew”. “Oh its the internet, I don’t care how I spell.” The internet is a haven for people like me who fucking hate people like you. If you can’t fucking spell a word properly then I’m going to call you on it and hate on you until you get it fucking right. What the fuck is wrong with people? I go out of my way to correct your horrible grammar and you turn around by insulting me with the shit I’m trying to enlighten you with? Get fucked.

I don’t understand how some people even bother trying to help with drug addicts, ie: the ones addicted to shitty gay drugs like meth and Oprah. “Here, stay at my house until you get back on your feet, eat my food and don’t do anything to make it worth my effort and financial stability. Oh, don’t forget to take my money and use all my shit too.” Even if you did it for the pussy, why on earth would you want to stick it in something like that to begin with? Why on earth would you want your dick/vagina anywhere near a member of someone who has the nostrils of Morgan Freeman or the track record of Barry Bonds’ ass? Its just those kind of people who ruin mankind with their desperate attempts at procreation.

I don’t understand how some hollywood people are famous. Look at Sarah Jessica Parker. She literally looks like her mother fucked a miniature horse, yet she’s one of the most famous people in L.A. Tori Spelling, probably the ugliest, most repulsive bitch in the history of television, only “famous” because her father created shitty fucking tv shows and she rode the bus. John Cusack, arguably the most boring fucking actor that will ever live. When has his mouth ever moved from the stationary position? Does he even have eyebrows? All I see is an empty soul, probably possessed by the kike and ready to spring out of his eye sockets and destroy the world. Oh, and another one, quoted from Klevlin D, “Keanu Reeves is the illegitimate love child of Kevin Costner and Emilio Estevez.” Keanu Reeves is probably slower than Christopher Reeve. I am a fan of Costners work, he’s a great writer, director and a so-so actor, but holy fuck is he boring sometimes. Emilio Estevez, now thats another story. He suffers from JCS, also known as John Cusack Syndrome, but the fucker founded the disease. Every picture he’s ever in is like they took a publicity still and just inserted it into the picture. He does have talent, hell, he comes from one of the most famous families in Hollywood, but if I ever have to watch another Emilio Estevez movie (fuck off Mighty Duck fans) I may consider suicide.

I don’t understand why east indian women don’t just get laser hair removal for their gross mustaches and beards that rival Engels’. They come from families with oil and gold money, its a however-long minute procedure, and then maybe you wouldn’t look like you just glued the pubes of your husbands sack onto your upper lip. Their mustaches make every mexican pre-teen cry and scream in envy.

I don’t understand how old people can stink as bad as they do sometimes. It really makes me sad that they walk around smelling like pakis when there isn’t a reason for it. If there is a reason for it, I do believe I have an answer. This thought occured to me a long time ago, and I’ve been meaning to mail my local political representative Theodore Menzies, but frankly I’m a lazy fuck and don’t give two shits about doing something to help another group of people who have people fighting on their behalf for things like keeping their licenses and blah blah blah. Anyways, I do believe the reason why a considerable amount of old people stink is because deoderant is just too expensive. We must remember now that old people are cheap as hell and cannot justify paying for something like that if its past the price they think they should pay, which is why I have a solution. Old people should have a special discount for deoderant, because passing a law making it illegal to not wear it is a waste of time (just like the fight for Omar Khadr, let the fucking nigger paki prick cuntbag shitbox die by castration). That way its a win/win: old people get their discount they always bitch about, and we don’t have to smell the smell of hospitals unless we actually visit one. Hooray for compromise!

I don’t understand how cheap some people can really be. Yes, I drink Old Milwaukee, and I would continue to drink Old Milwaukee if it was 27.99 for a 15 pack. I drink it for the taste and because, in my opinion, pound for pound it compares with more of my other favourite beers, like MGD and Pilsner (although I’d take a nice Pilsner over an MGD any day of the week). There’s poor asses who walk into a liquor store and buy the mini mickeys of vodka or rum or whatever, and I just shake my head at how fucking stupid of an investment it is. Obviously you’re either a) an alcoholic or b) trying to get drunk. You don’t just go and buy a fucking mini mickey to “have a few drinks”, you buy one to socialize and hopefully get loaded. Why not take that seven dollars, save it for tomorrow when you have a bit more, scrounge up more change, and then maybe you’ll have enough for a mickey! Better yet, if you only have eight dollars for a mini mickey, why not buy a six pack and shotgun 4 of them? Old Mil is eight bucks in most places, Pabst Blue Ribbon is eight forty-nine most places and its a whole helluva lot better than most of that gross vodka shit most people drink. Fuck man, I’m not even a cheap drinker, I spent more on a double texas mickey of Belvedere (the best vodka out there and I hate that shit) than most people do on a month of drinking, and its lasted. I’ve probably gotten three or four DRUNK nights out of that one bottle, split on it with Rachie Rach, and we still have a good 3 litres or so, so a standard texas mickey left. Some people, for some reason, actually like Cold Creek Ice and Black Label and 40s of Big Bear, which is fine, but why would you subject yourself to such uncultured, unclassy trash when hanging out trying to have a good night? You think bitches like the taste of Boxer (sickest beer in the world, next to TNT) when they kiss you? Its probably worse than in the can because you’re a dirty loser to begin with! Goddamn dude, just thinking about it makes me want to Cosby out of my mouth.

Finally, I don’t understand how any of you actually read my website. I’m a hate monger, pure and simple. I promote the hate and (sometimes) bodily harm to those unfit for human survival, yet the hits still keep coming in. Sometimes it makes me wonder if you’re all just stupid, which is a good assumption to make, but then I realize who I am and remember that everyone looks up to me (for some fucked up reason) and everyone loves me, and if you don’t love me then you’re just a waste of skin and a prime example of the people who shouldn’t be allowed to co-exist amongst great people like me on this shitty hellhole of a planet we call Earth. I fucking rule, don’t ever forget that shit.

1820 words, thats pretty good. Sorry for the long delay between posts, but then again, go fuck yourselves, I only see AC contributing on a semi-regular basis.

I was watching the free UFC today on Sportsnet, then Michael “The Dipshit” Bisping gets on there and fights some guy and I turned it off. Why? Because Michael Bisping and the entire fucking country of england are nothing but a bunch of pretentious, ugly, bucktoothed faggots who live off the fucking “legacy” of 300 years ago. You know why I hate Michael Bisping? He got his ass handed to him by Matt Hamill, deaf and basically mute, IN ENGLAND, but the english faggot judges gave Bisping the win because, well, we all know why. He then proceeded to shit-talk Hamill, who beat the fuck out of him, acting like he was tough. I laughed when Dan Henderson kicked the fuck out of him because Bisping again was a loud-mouthed, arrogant prick. You don’t talk shit to Dan Henderson, let alone shit about Dan Henderson. Theres a reason why he held two different belts in two different weight classes at the same fucking time. So Henderson whups his ass, Bisping cries and makes excuses, very typical of the english, and here we are today.

Yeah, I’ve got english in me, but since the past 2 generations of my family have been Canadian-ized, I don’t consider myself of english-descent, I consider myself Albertan because Alberta is the only place on earth I’d say its acceptable to be from, and since I’m the only one who matters, if you aren’t Albertan then you’re a foreigner. “Anyone east of strathmore is a newfie” – my dad.

Anyways, back on subject, I look at most of the english people I know, they’re fairly retarded. I have a hard time understanding them because they don’t speak english, they’re loud, obnoxious and frankly, just a bunch of idiots. Working in the service industry, every fifth or sixth person in my town is a fucking briton, and its beginning to piss me off. What, your ugly, shitty, old, crusty country filled with bucktoothed donkeys and chavs isn’t good enough for you? Gotta come over to Canada and ruin what we’ve built?

“But Soct! Inglund maed Cadnada!”

Yeah, made it a fucking shithole. I’d rather live in a predominantly-english country than a fucking french one any day of the week, but for too fucking long england took credit for Canadas involvement in everything. World War One, who took Vimy Ridge? Yeah, the little “colony” of Canada did, with no help from any of those pussy fucks. World War Two, who had the only regiment to complete their D-Day objective? Oh yeah, the 1st Hussars, also Canadian. Now lets take a look at shit today. Who is heralded by the international community as some of the nicest people in the world? Canadians! Who do people despise? The English. Who are the ugliest people in the world? The english! Sure, Canada has their share of indians and pakis, but toothless is better than a mouth full of AIDS. They used to say, “The sun doesn’t set in the English Empire.” They also used to say, “Brush your teeth 3 times a day” but we can see who didn’t take that into consideration. Don’t think the english are dirty? King Henry the who-gives-a-fuck bathed twice in his entire lifetime.

Theres one thing though, that still makes me cringe when Canada is mentioned. Its the fact that our Governor General has more power than our elected Prime Minister. That coon bitch should be hanged at the gallows at dawn. When Trudickface brought the Charter home, he should’ve said, “suck my balls you old cunt, this is Canada and if you want a fight, you can come get some, bitch!” Who cares about insulting some stupid bitch who has literally no power in anything England says or does? She’s just a status symbol, a stupid bitch who gets paid money for being old from englanders’ taxes, and I guess if you’re stupid enough to keep fucking giving her money to live, then you deserve to be jewed out of your money. Hey, that makes me think: Maybe the queen is a jew! That would make a lot of sense, considering there isn’t a goddamn thing any member of the royal family does thats worthwhile for the world. Murrr prince idiot is fighting in the armed forces! So? Joe Dumbshit is fighting in the armed forces too, so just because someone with money is fighting a bunch of brown bastards its worthy of a news story? Fuck you jew! I cut the cheese so bad last night in bed that I have to wash my blankets, but thats not worthy of a news story because I’m not royalty, according to heebs. If I had a dollar for every time I read something that didn’t matter about the royal family I’d have enough loonies to stick in a wool sock and beat the fucking english army to death single-handedly.

One thing I want to touch upon again is how they fucking speak. Holy jesus christ its damn near impossible to understand two fucking limey bastards in conversation. I used to work with an old Scottish lady and when she got on a roll, it was fucking hard to keep up and converse, which is why they invented the head-nods, but most idiot englishmen I’ve met are virtually impossible to decipher. “badlabadbdbubudlb tea buebdelbadeubladub crumpets buadedublade gawbluss uh keen beubalbd.” I wasn’t aware stuttering and mumbling was considered a langua – oh, yeah, I’ve never been to africa before either.

You know why the brits were usually on the winning side of war, besides the fact they had the Canadians bailing them out time and time again? Who needs good artillery and weapons when you have the ultimate weapon: poop breath. Imagine, if you will, a regiment of 500 limey pricks running across no-mans-land into your trenches coughing, wheezing and just plain old breathing at you. Yeah, don’t, its enough to give someone a heart attack. I can smell them from here, and I’m on the other side of North America and the Atlantic ocean. Jesus, I’m gonna go brush my teeth again.

It sickens me when I walk down the fucking street and see some faggot dipshit rocking a Confederate flag off their vehicle, or a fucking Confederate license plate, or their huge fucking belt buckle that says, “I Suck Cock, Give Me Some” on it. It sickens me even more because I live in fucking Alberta, where 97 percent of these cocksuckers wouldn’t know the name Jefferson Davis from The Jeffersons ….. ok, maybe even THATS a stretch for a bunch of wannabe-redneck fucks, so I’ll try it again.

… 97 percent of these cocksuckers wouldn’t know the name Robert E. Lee from  Robert Duvall. Robert Duvall kicks ass, but thats beside the point. The point is, I’m getting fucking pissed off at these shit-kicking faggots who think just because they live on a farm, they’re entitled to call themselves rednecks and start flying their colours like a faggot at a gay pride parade. “YEEEEEHAAAAWWWW, I LICKED A COWS ASSHOLE, I CAN START HATIN ON THEM NAGGERS AND SHOOT A GUN! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!” “Uh, buddy, you live in a Northern country, its called Canada.” “SHUT YER MOUTH! WE DON’T TAKE KINDLY TO YER KIND ‘ROUND HERE YOU NORTHERNER SCUM!”

There’s too many idiots in my town who fit that description to a T. I don’t understand how they’re smart enough to put their boots on the right feet, let alone drive properly. Intoxication on both sides of the law have now allowed people to become dirty cow-shit-smelling douchebags, and enough is enough.

I am a fan of slavery, hell, slavery gets shit done, and gets it done economically. We wouldn’t have the great pyramids to look at whenever we’re trapped in the desert if it weren’t for jews. We wouldn’t have America if it wasn’t for our good ol’ antique farm machinery. We wouldn’t have the circus without P.T Barnum. The exploitation of people and animals have gotten us to where we are today, and for that we must thank the slave-owners/drivers for their charitable contributions, but the fact of the matter is, slavery died, the South died, and theres a reason why everyone fucking hates those hillbilly redneck pricks: they’re inbred cunts. They are the turd that doesn’t come off the pubes on your butt. They are the ginger that doesn’t get the hint. They are the fat ugly girl who almost eats you on the dancefloor of the club, and no matter what you do to refuse her advances she’s always surrounding you. WE CANNOT ESCAPE THE STUPIDITY OF RETARDS.

Probably the biggest mindfuck out of all of this shit is the fact that like, maybe, MAYBE 1500 of the large crowd of idiots actually moved here from the southern states, and even then the vast majority of them have grown up and not given a fuck about 140+ years of no slavery, have never rode a horse or stepped in cowshit and don’t get the humor of King of the Hill. Meanwhile you have all these losers who have never touched a gun, never mutton-busted let alone rode a horse that wasn’t a mini-pony at a carnival, and were raised in a fucking apartment in the middle of Calgary claiming to be 100 percent redneck.

I’m going to give one shout-out to the biggest fucking loser of all of them, which isn’t usually the norm here on Destination: Hell, but he’s worthy of a dishonourable mention for being the biggest fucking wannabe pussy douchebag loser I’ve ever had the misfortune of ever laying my eyes upon: John Belley. Now, if you’ve ever met John Belley, you will automatically say he is probably one of the gayest, saddest sacks of cowshit you’ve ever seen. If you haven’t, can we trade lives? Now, if you have, ask yourself this: can you think of anyone who actually likes him, that isn’t family or goes by the name of bootlips? (thats for another time). Douchebag is one of those cunts who thinks they’re cool by rocking cowboy boots, tucked in tshirts, Wranglers, drives a big shitty truck, but oh, get this, he’s got a GIANT “Redneck” sticker on his back window. To quote him, “im a honkey tonkin rip rompin shit stompin red neck and i dont give a fuck what you think.” Its funny, because he’s lived in the same area of town that I have since I can remember, and just because of dirtbikes he’s automatically a dirtier fuck than anyone. No, you’re a dirtier fuck than everyone else because you’re a dirty skid.

Enough on that topic its hard not to ramble on about people and shit I hate, but I can’t stand this shit. I heard a while back that theres a fucking white power gang who tried to fuck with one of my darker-skinned friends and they all got their asses beat at the same time. Serves you right for being an ignorant redneck prick. Anyways, I’ve got another post to write up, so I just want you all to remember one thing:

Kick each and every fucking tucked-in shirt, big belt buckled faggot right in the fucking cunt, because we all know they don’t have any balls. Oh, and stay away from the Ranchmans.

All I fucking hear about lately is how “scary” and “frightening” and “insane” this stupid fucking “Paranormal Activity” movie is. No, I haven’t seen it, no, I probably won’t see it, and yes, you’re a fucking dipshit if you have. The only time I ever got scared from a movie was Childs Play when I was four, because hey, a four year old watching a doll kill people is pretty fucked up shit when you have a fuckload of stuffed animals. After that movie I tossed em all in the closet and wouldn’t go in there for a long time, but hey, I was four, you’re all a bunch of immature cunts.

This movie reminds me of the “Blair Witch Project” fad: a stupid movie with an even stupider premise that impressionable dicks all flocked to like it was the second coming of Jesus fucking Christ. “OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?! SHE WAS IN THE WOODS AND LIKE, OH MY GOD, THERE WAS NOTHING CHASING HER, BUT LIKE, SHE DIDN’T KNOW AND STUFF SO LIKE, OH MY GOD!!!!” I never saw the Blair Witch Project because when it came out, I wasn’t allowed, and since I don’t like gay, shitty movies to begin with, I never had any hankering to go see it.

It just brings me back to that age-old question about spirits and ghosts and all that gay shit. Am I a spiritual person? No, not in the fucking slightest. You see, when people were telling ghost stories and getting scared around the campfire, I was usually the one taking a dump or not paying any attention. Oh yes, because a blanket lifting up on its own isn’t post-production or cgi. Oh, did you hear that? It was my bullshit detector flying off the radar at how stupid you sound whenever you mention how your dead grandmother or cat came to you in a dream. It reminds me of something Joe Pantoliano said back when I used to watch the Outer Limits. “If you talk to ‘God’, its praying, but if ‘God’ talks to you, its paranoid schizophrenia.” There is nobody talking to you while you dream, because nobody talks to you period, as you’re nothing but a stunned, impressionable dipshit. Hey, did you also know John McCain would’ve been a great president? How about Robert Plant having the voice of an angel? Did you know that Jesus Christ himself walked on North America? If you believe any of that shit, chances are you also believe in ghosts and other paranormal phenomena, which makes you as intelligent as Muhammad Ali.

Honestly now, what on earth would make a person believe they see dead people, or hear dead people, or for that matter, why the fuck would anyone take an interest into that gay shit? The Ghost Whisperer is the single-worst atrocity in the history of television. For those who don’t know about it, I wish I was in your group, but I live in a household where people obsess over how gay it is. Jennifer Love-Hewitt (daaaayyyyuuuum) plays some dumb bitch who can see and talk to dead people, and makes it her life mission to help these people cross over any which way she can. She also has a stupid gay friend who can’t see them, but can hear them. Now, it sounds like your everyday typical piece of shit primetime television show, but theres a catch: she had this boyfriend who died, and he didn’t want to cross over, then one day she’s walking and theres a motorcycle accident and some dumbass died, so her ghost boyfriend jumps into the guys body. BUT WAIT! THERES A CATCH! Her BOYFRIEND became THE DEAD DUDE, AND NOW SHE’S TRYING TO WIN OVER THE DEAD DUDE BECAUSE HER BOYFRIEND DOESN’T REMEMBER HER! HOLY FUCKING SHIT, SOMEONE GIVE THIS SHOW THE EMMY FOR THE BIGGEST WASTE OF FUCKING TIME IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.

Its that kind of shit thats ruining todays youth. Putting garbage like that in the minds of people, thinking they can be ghost hunters or fucking psychics, what the hell is wrong with people? Its even like people that go to AA, “put yourself in the hands of a higher power.” Its all brainwashing. If people would stop giving a fuck about things like “God” and Jesus then maybe people wouldn’t be so impressionable and retarded, but low and fucking behold, everyones a religious fanatic now. One in four people are muslim. ONE IN FOUR. And you wanna know something else? One in four believe in ghosts. Figure that one out. So that means two in four people are absolutely retarded, and now factor in legitimate mental-retardation and aspergers, every other person should be burnt at the cross for their crimes against humanity, ie: jewery.

Wait… wait a minute… did you guys hear that? Really, did you hear that? It sounds like a… a… DISHWASHER… or a…. a… FRIDGE! HOLY FUCK GET THE PHONE AND CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS.

Now the Ghostbusters, theres a fucking movie thats awesome. Why don’t they just replace all that gay shit and put Ghostbusters back in theatres? Dan Akroyd has a new vodka out, I hear it tastes like shit, its 40 dollars per 2.6 but its in a Skull bottle, hence the name Crystal Head. Bill Murray was fucking awesome in that new movie out, I won’t ruin it because some people aren’t fucking civilized enough to go out for a night on the town, but yeah fuck all of you anyways. Maybe next time I’m working by myself one of those Crystal Heads will start floating and I’ll become a believer, or you’ll all catch H1n1 and be one of those pussies who die. My moneys on the latter.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, paranormal activities. You know what makes me even madder than the stupid people who buy into this shit? The fact that stupid assholes all over the world make more money from stupid fucking tv shows and merchandise than teachers or doctors. Like really, instead of buying a tshirt that says, “I Take Dick in my Asshole,” why not donate the money to a hospital? Not a childrens hospital, but an adult hospital? Speaking of adult hospitals, why aren’t there any like in porn movies, hot nurses stripping, naked while giving you a needle, shit you wouldn’t even need anesthetic, just a show of some broad taking her clothes off, after all, isn’t that what women are for, slavery? Sorry, I’m really getting off track, I’ve had just about enough thinking about how many people I thought were “cool” whining and crying and pimping the shit out of a fucking pointless piece of crap like “paranormal activity.”

You all want a scary, fucked up movie? Try watching “Faces of Death.” Sure, a lot of it was obviously fake, but if you believe in ghosts, I suppose you believe in death too, so why not believe in it? You get to see dogfighting, seal-clubbing, slaughterhouse lines, napalm explosions, its absolutely mind-blowing, because this shit HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. And for those who can stomach the worst of the worst, I dare any of you to go to http://www.bloodshow.com and watch some of the videos up on there. You all screamed and cried because of a fucking blanket flying around a room or shoes glued to the roof of a house, you’ll all be screaming and crying when you see a polo-stricken midget in a pink tutu dancing around or watching the highlight reel of people setting themselves on fire and jumping out of buildings. This shit is real life and it happens every goddamn day and will continue to happen every goddamn day because, low and behold, people are the stupidest fucking lifeforms on earth. It makes for good television I’ll tell you h’what.

So please, if you all thought some stupid piece of shit movie was the scariest thing you’ve ever seen in your life, I challenge you to watch 10 minutes worth of bloodshow.com. Anything and everything resembling death in its most pure, raw form is up there, and if you’re still not convinced then the only thing left for you to do is tie a hop into your car, park in your garage, shut the door and let the thing run until you’re dead because you’re one sad sack of cow shit.